Scene One – Baron Hard Up’s Castle

[Enter Baron Hard Up]

BARON: Cinderella, Cinderella! Where is that wretched girl?
Cinderella !
I only told her to put out the cat…
Polish my shoes, clean the parlour, empty the bins oh, and cook supper and that that was oo, five minutes ago.
Cinderella!!

[Enter Cinderella, immaculately groomed and fashionably dressed! ]
Ah there you are you miserable ch….
[He grinds to a halt. ]
Um, can I have a word?
[They go into a huddle]
We’re doing Cinderella.

CINDERS: And?

BARON: It’s Cinderella, you know: cinders, dirt, [She listens with growing disbelief] broken nails, rags!

CINDERS Rags? I’m sorry, I don’t do ‘rags’.

BARON: Right, no um… rags then.
I suppose a little dirt on the forehead is out of the… question? [Cinders just glares] Um right, no rags, no dirt.
[He is clearly struggling with this. ]
Well in that case I er told you to empty my shoes, put out the parlour, polish the cat and clean the bins.

CINDERS: Done it!

BARON: Done it?

CINDERS: Done it!

BARON: Ah, but what about supper?

CINDERS: Done it.

BARON: Done it? Done supper?
You don’t ‘do’ supper, you cook it carefully, prepare it with delicacy and attention, the finest cuts of meat, freah vegetables exquisitely spiced…
What are we having?

CINDERS: Porridge.

BARON: [Suspiciously] Porridge! What kind of porridge?

CINDERS: Cold porridge, I can pop it in the microwave if you like.. I’ll call Buttons to bring it in.
Buttons bring on the bowl!
[Buttons enters carrying a large plastic bowl of cold porridge.]

BUTTONS: Here you are 5.7 kilos of cold porridge.

BARON: [Taking the bowl and lifting a portion on a wooden spoon.] Ugh! I thought my mother’s cooking was bad but at least her porridge used to move about! [ He sniffs at it and his moustache falls in. He fishes it out and sucks the porridge off.] That’s disgusting. [Turning to the audience] What on earth am I supposed to do with 5.7 kilos of cold porridge?    
[Puts the bowl down on a chair]
This is no good, we’ll have to get a take away.
Cinders, call your step sisters we’ll decide what to order.

CINDERS: Flatulence, oh Flatulence are you there? Insomnia, cooee Insomnia! [She waits.] It’s no good. I’ll go and fetch them, they’re probably painting their nails… with a broom or something.

[While she is gone the Baron fusses around wittering on about the food and repeatedly coming close to sitting on the chair with the porridge.]

BARON: Ah, here they come now, I can hear the patter of their tiny feet on the stairs.

BUTTONS: Sounds more like a herd of elephants!
[Enter the ugly sisters. One actor who changes wigs.]

CINDERS: [To Baron ] Can I have a word?

BARON: What is it?

CINDERS: The sisterssssss, that’s a plural, it means there should be at least two of them.

 BARON: I know, I know but with all the budget cuts we just can’t afford two – watch.

INSOMNIA: I’m famished! What’s for supper. I want sausages! [ Swaps straight blond wig for curly one etc. etc.]

FLATULENCE:  Not for me, I fancy a kipper

BUTTONS: [Aside] That’s the only thing you’ll ever marry.

BARON: Well we’re not having any of that, Cinderella has made this nice big bowl of cold porridge.
[Everyone makes vomiting noises]
OK, so we’ll just have to get a take away. Now what do you want?

[Everyone starts shouting their choices,  cue: The Fast Food Song. As it comes to an end there is a hammering on the door.]

BARON: Who’s that? Buttons, Cinders go and get the door.

BUTTONS: No you can’t mean that we’d have to…

BARON: I said get the door now go and get the door you nincompoops and stop arguing!

[Buttons and Cinders exit and return carrying a door.]

BARON: [Furiously] I said get the door, I didn’t mean get the do.. oh never mind.

FLATULENCE: Hang on, there’s a letter stuck to it.

INSOMNIA: Oh Goody, goody, goody. It must be a love letter from one of out many admirers.

BUTTONS: [Mouthing and signalling] None.

BARON; Give it me, let’s take a look.
My, my my, it’s an invite to ….

ALL: [Leaning in] Yes

BARON: the opening of a new DIY superstore.

FLATULENCE / INSOMNIA [Forgetting his role he start to talk enthusiastically about something DIY related until the Baron coughs pointedly. He looks embarrassed and subsides into silence.]

BUTTONS: Hang on there’s a ‘P.S.’

CINDERS: What does it say?

BUTTONS: It says ‘P.S.’ [Turns the letter over] Oh and it says here we are all invited to a grand party at the Prince’s palace and…

ALL: There’s more?

BUTTONS: [Still reading] He’s going to dance all night with the most beautiful girl at the ball and….

ALL: Yes?

BUTTONS: At midnight she’s going to run off for no apparent reason and…

ALL: What?

BUTTONS: She’s going to drop a glass slipper..

ALL: Oooh.

CINDERS: Won’t that break or something?

ALL: Shut up! And?

BUTTONS: He’s going to tour all over the kingdom trying it on the feet of unfeasibly ugly women until he finds the girl of his dreams.

CINDERS: Wouldn’t speed dating be easier?

ALL: Shut up!!

INSOMNIA: Oh, I feel pretty, oh so pretty

FLATULENCE: It’s alarming how charming I feel.

CINDERS: [Musing] Some day my prince will come.

INSOMNIA. The prince? He’ll never marry you!

CINDERS: No my prints, I’ve sent some photographs away to be printed.

INSOMNIA: Typical – no ambition. Well I’m going to marry the prince

FLATULENCE: Rubbish, he wouldn’t marry you if you were the last girl in the world. I will be his dreamboat.

BUTTONS: Titanic more like.

BARON: Girls, girls, girls, stop this squabbling. You need to go and make yourselves beautiful for the ball tonight, you’ve only got five hours .

BUTTONS: The ball’s tonight! Five months wouldn’t be long enough to make those two beautiful.

BARON: Now off you go, all this excitement, it’s making me really tired. I must sit down.

[Baron sits in the porridge. Exit all except Cinders and Buttons who start to clear up spilt porridge]

CINDERS: Oh Butttons I feel so sad.

BUTTTONS: What’s the matter Cinders.

CINDERS: Well I so wanted to be a teacher or a brain surgeon or a pop icon and now I know what’s going to happen. I’ll get to go to the ball by some strange bit of magic and then the prince will fall for me and I’ll end up having to marry him, how boring is that? It’s like being in a fairy tale.

BUTTONS: [Carefully] But that’s because you are in a fairy tale!

CINDERS: This is a fairy tale? I thought I was in ‘I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here.’

BUTTONS: Um, well you could be right I suppose. I’d rather eat maggots than that porridge of yours.

[Cinders throws something at him in a friendly way as he exits.]

CINDERS: Oh well I better get back to polishing the cat. Here puss…

[Starts polishing cat sobbing all the while. Enter the good fairy all in black]

GOOD FAIRY: I am your fairy goth mother.

CINDERS: [Looking at the costume] Yes… ‘goth’ mother…  I think you mean god mother.

GOOD FAIRY: I cannot speak this English. [turns to speaking in French to the effect of ‘Oh you poor little girl what is the matter?’ She is stopped by Cinders.]

CINDERS: Just a moment, now you’re speaking in French.

GOOD FAIRY: Mais oui, I am a cross channel fairy! [Pause for groans]

CINDERS: We will have to get a translator. [Hauls up a stooge from the audience]. OK, off you go

GOOD FAIRY: [Repeats her original remarks at some length and then looks at the translator.]

TRANSLASTOR: errr, Hello.

GOOD FAIRY: [Says how she can see how sad and lonely she is and what a shame she doesn’t have a chance to go out.]

TRANSLATOR; My aunt has a blue pen.

CINDERS: Are you sure that’s what she said.

TRANSLATOR: Look do you want to do this?

CINDERS: No, no, you carry on.

GOOD FAIRY: [Says how she will make sure Cinders gets to the ball with six white mice and a pumpkin]

TRANSLATOR: Um… I think that was something about a sausage.

GOOD FAIRY: Non, non, non. [She, mimes getting something very small  making it very big and then heading off to the ball . Cinders looks around and comes back with a little toy sports car.]

CINDERS: Here you are this will do.

GOOD FAIRY; [Goes on about having a great time at the ball.]

TRANSLATOR: She said ‘Goodbye’

GOOD FAIRY: Au revoir

TRANSLATOR: [Drifting off] Er I think that was ‘My moose has developed a leak underneath Grandpa’s old table… or was that chair….

[All Exit ]

Scene Two – At the Ball

[The Prince is standing waiting to receive his guests. Enter Baron and ‘Sisters’]

PRINCE: Ah Baron Hard Up – What’s that funny smell? Is it porridge? It is porridge!

BARON: Oh no its not

PRINCE: [Turning to audience] Oh yes it is!

BARON: Oh no it’s not

PRINCE :Oh yes it is!

[This carries on until Cinders enters she looks sternly at all concerned and they gradually quieten.]

CINDERS: What is going on here?

PRINCE: [Instantly] Well its quite complicated it involves a fairy, there’s a pumpkin and a ball, and some porridge and er.. glass slippers.

CINDERS [Witheringly] Glass slippers ?

PRINCE: I think so.

CINDERS: Have you ever tried wearing glass slippers.

PRINCE Not as such. I er.. I suppose they’re a bit of a non starter really.

[Flatulence/Insomnia push to the front]

FLATULENCE: I’ll wear a glass slipper.

INSOMNIA: No I’ll wear it [And so on and so on. The Prince watches this performance in amazement]

PRINCE: Is she… he…  are they… alright?

BARON: It’s budget cuts I’m afraid. [Prince nods knowingly] I say, is there any food at this party?

PRINCE: I think there’s some cream cake. Buttons bring in the cream cake.

[Buttons brings in the cream cake. The Baron eyes it greedily.]

PRINCE: No, no, you can’t eat it now. This is a ball we haven’t had a dance yet. Put it down on my throne over there.

[The dance begins, the Baron keeps drifting towards the cream cake, Cinders keeps pulling him away. The sisters keep irritating the Prince. The music stops]

PRINCE: Phew, I’m really tired, I need to sit down. [Makes as if to sit down] There again perhaps another dance.

FLATULENCE/INSOMNIA: Our feet are killing us, we need to sit down.

BARON: [Pushing him away] I’m the only who gets to sit down around here. [At the last minute he remembers the cake and picks it up.] That was close.

[The clock strikes 11 – there is a wait then once more.]

PRINCE: Right that’s it then midnight.

CINDERS: What happens now? I expect we all turn into pumpkins or something.

[Enter the Good Fairy. She stands slightly in front of Baron who is inspecting the cream cake and when she starts talking she flings her arms wide. The cake follows the inevitable trajectory]

GOOD FAIRY [Talks about what a marvellous evening it has been and how much she has enjoyed the dancing.]

PRINCE: What is she saying?

BUTTONS: I’ve no idea. It’s French or something.

BARON: I’ve had enough of this. Come on everyone we’re going home!

FLATULENCE/INSOMNIA: Prince, oh Prince, don’t forget us. [Flinging a slipper at the prince that has been secreted in a handbag.]
[Exit All]

Scene 3 – The following day, at Baron Hard Ups Castle.

FLATULENCE; have you heard, the Prince is touring the kingdom looking for a dainty little foot on which to slip the er… slipper.

INSOMNIA: And it’s bound to be mine!

FLATULENCE: No mine!

[Continues arguing with self.]

FLATULENCE/INSOMNIA: Look this is ridiculous. I can’t keep this up. Are you sure you can’t afford someone extra?

BARON: [Off Stage] I told you we haven’t got the money! Get on with it!
[Buttons staggers in as if pushed]

BUTTONS: Alright, alright! Er.. girls, the Prince is er waiting at the um.. hole where the door used to be. He says can he come in and try this slipper on er… the two of you.
INSOMNIA: [Passionately]Yes! Yes! Yes! Oh yes!

FLATULENCE: [Even more passionately]Yes! Yes! Yes! Oh yes!
Yes! Oh yes!.. Yes!... Yes! [Tails off]

BUTTONS: So that’s a yes then, I’ll get him.

[Enter Prince with slipper wrapped in newspaper, trailed by Cinders and the Baron.]

PRINCE: Oh hello again er…  girls. Can we see if this slipper fits.

FLATULENCE: Try me first try me – see it fits!

INSOMNIA: So what? Now try me. See it fits me too! He’ll have to marry both of us!

PRINCE: [Desperately] No hang on, we haven’t tried her yet. [Pointing to Cinders who has picked up the newspaper the slipper was packed in and is reading it with interest.]

CINDERS: Come on Prince, marry them, you’ll make a fine couple… er trio! Buttons, come and look at this, it’s really interesting.

[Buttons sits next to her and scans the newspaper.]

BUTTONS: What have you vot there?

CINDERS: [Reads out a job advert, preferably with some local or topical reference and whcih defies common stereotypes re. employment]. that's the job for me, I'm off.

BUTTONS: And that's how Cinderella came to work at... [inserts topical reference, see above ] and that's a true story!

[Bows and exit all]





[ This was the original ending...

BUTTONS: [Reading] New teacher wanted for year 6 class at St. Mary’s School Banbury. Cinders you’ve always said you wanted to do something else but this is a big change. Are you sure you have a clear idea of what you want to do.

CINDERS: It looks great and I do have a clear idea… a clear idea… clear idea… Claire Dyer. That’s it! I’ll change my name from Cinderella to Claire Dyer and then I’ll get a job as a teacher!

BARON: And that’s how Cinderella came to work here at St. Mary’s School – and that’s a true story! }